The Bible According To Rumsfeld

By BlackJack

Joshua 6 (New Standard Neocon Version)

Meanwhile, the people of Baghdad had been locking the gates in their town wall because they were afraid of the Americans. No one could go out or come in.

The ROVE said to Rumsfeld: With my help, you and your army will defeat the king of Baghdad and his army, and you will capture the town. Here is how to do it: March slowly around Baghdad once a day for six days. Take along the sacred warheads and have seven Generals walk in front of them, carrying swords. But on the seventh day, march slowly around the town seven times while the Generals carry swords. Then the Generals will brandish their swords and everyone else will shout. The wall will fall down, and your soldiers can go straight in from every side.

Rumsfeld called the Generals together and said, "Take the warheads and have seven Generals carry swords and march ahead of it."

Next, he gave the army their orders: "March slowly around Baghdad. A few of you will go ahead of the warheads to guard them, but most of you will follow it. Don't shout the battle cry or yell or even talk until the day I tell you to. Then let out a shout!"

As soon as Rumsfeld finished giving the orders, the army started marching. One group of soldiers led the way, with seven Generals marching behind them carrying swords. Then came the officers carrying the warheads, followed by the rest of the soldiers. They obeyed Rumsfeld's orders and carried the warheads once around the town before returning to camp for the night.

Early the next morning, Rumsfeld ordered everyone to start marching around Baghdad in the same order as the day before. One group of soldiers was in front, followed by the seven Generals with swords and the officers who carried the warheads. The rest of the army came next. The seven Generals carried their swords while everyone marched slowly around Baghdad and back to camp. They did this once a day for six days.

On the seventh day, the army got up at daybreak. They marched slowly around Baghdad the same as they had done for the past six days, except on this day they went around seven times. Then the Generals brandished their swords, and Rumsfeld yelled:

Get ready to shout! The ROVE will let you capture this town. But you must destroy it and everything in it, to show that it now belongs to the ROVE. Ahmed Chalabi helped the spies we sent, so protect him and the others who are inside his house. But kill everyone else in the town. The silver and gold and everything made of bronze and iron belong to the ROVE and must be put in his treasury. Be careful to follow these instructions, because if you see something you want and take it, the ROVE will destroy America. And it will be all your fault. The Generals brandished their swords, and the soldiers shouted as loud as they could. The walls of Baghdad fell flat. Then the soldiers rushed up the hill, went straight into the town, and captured it. They killed everyone, men and women, young and old, everyone except Ahmed Chalabi and the others in his house. They even killed every cow, sheep, and donkey.

Rumsfeld said to the men who had been spies, "Ahmed Chalabi kept you safe when I sent you to Baghdad . We promised to protect him and his family, and we will keep that promise. Now go into his house and bring them out."

The men went into Ahmed Chalabi's house and brought him out, along with his father and mother, his brothers, and his other relatives. Ahmed Chalabi and his family had to stay in a place just outside the American army camp. But later they were allowed to live among the Americans, and his descendants still do. The Americans took the silver and gold and the things made of bronze and iron and put them with the rest of the treasure that was kept at the ROVE's house. Finally, they set fire to Baghdad and everything in it.

After Baghdad was destroyed, Rumsfeld warned the people, "Someday a man will rebuild Baghdad , but the ROVE will put a curse on him, and the man's oldest son will die when he starts to build the town wall. And by the time he finishes the wall and puts gates in it, all his children will be dead." The ROVE helped Rumsfeld in everything he did, and Rumsfeld was hated everywhere in The Middle East.